Success Got You Down? A 12-Step Program for Failure.


In these troubled times many people struggle with their talents and abilities and wonder how to suppress these unwanted traits in a positive way. That’s why I’ve gone through great effort and expense (*effort and expense is a relative term. Really it was 5 minutes and 1 cent worth of internet time) to compile this handy 12 step program to help those who suffer with unwanted skills and intelligence achieve a more well-adjusted state of incompatense and folishness.

1.Be led by EMOTION. Emotions lie but my, they are wonderfully exciting lies aren’t they? Climb aboard that mood swing. Chase applause…because your value as a human being depends solely on what other people think of you…and as that great man, A. Hitler discovered, loud applause means that what you are saying and doing is good and right. Can I get an amen?

2. WAIT for the perfect opportunity. This will never come but in the meantime there is much TV to be watched so your time won’t be wasted. Besides, no matter our political leanings (even if our political leaning is…drunkenly, against a picket fence) we can all agree that our elected political messiahs will take care of our every need. We don’t need to concern ourselves with our communities and homes. It may be helpful remember this revolutionary little chant. What do we want? A better community! Who do we want to do it? Somebody else!

3. With that said, it is important to remember that it is all about YOU. Some wags have said, the difference between an amateur and a professional is that the amateur thinks the audience is there for them while the professional realizes that they are there for the audience. What we want is amateurish and childish behavior. Remember, the smallest stars have the biggest egos…cultivate that ego…nurture it…ask not what you can do for your community…ask yourself, what should my community be doing for me?

Start with small things…tell your spouse that there must only be red jelly beans in your bedroom. Nay I say…demand it! YOU deserve it! Demand these things and see what a difference that makes in your relationships.

4. By following these simple (minded) steps you may already find the opportunities to use your skills and abilities diminishing greatly…but there are so many other valuable steps and tools you can use to enhance your life. Traditions that you can create to keep yourself stuck in the past…ill informed opinions of random strangers that you can allow to fester in your mind and discourage you…but the greatest of these is the ancient practice of apathy…I’d tell you more about this…but why should I bother? Somebody else will do it…


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