How Television Saved the Universe!


The alien invasion fleet landed last night! The field just outside of Gladstone was filled with their saucers…forks and spoons. What can I say, they were a bunch of messy eaters. And you should’ve seen them when they started drinkin…water an slobber was flyin everywhere. They’re mammas must not have told’em ta keep their claws in their plate…an not ta be blowin bubbles in their cups. When they started gettin into their cups it weren’t a pretty sight, trust me.
Anyhoo, who was I ta judge? I was a friendly guy so I went on over to the alien camp and started makin conversation. “Hey fellas, what do ya think about our political parties huh?”
“Parties?” General Zog stared at me with his big alien eyes and then grunted. “Aliens like parties…especially political parties…they all taste like chicken. You politician?”
General Zog ran his eyes over my skinny body and licked his flabby reptilian lips.
“No, no, I’m a writer,” I said quickly.
“Writer huh.” Zog consulted a glowing tablet he held in his claw. “By the look of it, not good one either. Don’t want to eat your words.” General Zog spat his disgust to the ground below his tentacles.
“Hey, tell ya what, why don’t go all inside and get into some popcorn and television. We’re friends huh?” I said, anxious to change the subject.
“No. I don’t want to. Eating TV and watchin popcorn is boring,” the alien storm troopers whined as one childish body. What can I say? The troops seemed pretty tired after their long struggle for interstellar domination. Understandably so, the universe is a big place for a few aliens to dominate. General Zog seemed interested though, so off we went to spend an evening of fellowship and friendship.
I got some corn a poppin and invited the Alien General to chill out on the couch after awhile. After an evening of television and popcorn I could sense a change in the mood of my guest.
“This good idea. Eating popcorn and watching TV much more interesting than doing it the other way,” he grunted. “What kind of spice you use on that corn?”
“Max Cheese,” I chirped, glad to see I was making progress in my quest for interstellar peace.
“Hmm. Good stuff. Reminds me of TV preacher we had over for supper last week.” Zog shoved another clawful of salty corn into his gaping mouth. “More substance here though. That Preacher seemed a little off. Fake. Not like this. You make some good popcorn here Kelvin.”
“Thanks,” I said thankfully, mainly because I was thankful.
“That movie pretty funny too.” General Zog roared with laughter, sounding like the giggles of a thousand children in concert. “Stupid earthlings win at the end the best joke I ever seen.”
“I thought it was pretty funny myself,” I agreed, wiping a sheen of nervous sweat from my brow.
“Tell you what.” Zog heaved himself to his feet. “Where you buy these TVs?”
“Well. Wal-mart has’em onsale.”
“Walmart? Never heard of that place. What part of the universe that planet?”
“Go down to tha city, there’s lots of ’em there.” I said, as I poured another batch of popcorn into the popper.
“The city huh.” Zog looked down at the glowing tablet in his hand. “We go there now, get some TVs and popcorn. Thanks Kelvin, you changed our lives.”
“That’s what I’m here fer man,” I chirped as flipped on the on switch on the corn popper.
“I not man. I alien. But I like you anyway. We must have you over for supper sometime.”
“I don’t know.” My heart began to pound with fear. “My calendar is pretty full these days.”
“Don’t worry. Just jokes Kelvin.” General Zog slapped my back with a slimy tentacle. “We got TV to watch anyway. We won’t have time either.”
With that General Zog and his alien invasion fleet left my life. However, the alien invasion fleet was never heard from again. Rumor throughout the galaxy was that General Zog and his men now spent their days in front of their televisions, too fat and lazy to dominate the universe any longer. However, you know how rumors go. I for one was just glad that I could do my part to help save the universe from alien domination…and get a contrived, yet happy ending to this little story ta boot.


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