The Great Santa Claus Conspiracy! UNMASKED!


“He knows when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Have you ever thought about these words? Obviously these words are a reference to a secret global surveillance program. Don’t ask how I know about it if it’s a secret, ask, “If Kelvin says there’s a secret program. WHO is running this secret program?”
Well, who do you think? It’s obvious, isn’t it? Who do you see always flying around the country with his gang of merry little elves? I mean, come on people, that beard of his is obviously fake! I found that out when I was five years old and I yanked it off during a childish temper tantrum! David Suzuki sure isn’t who he appears to be!
Ahem…sorry folks, that’s a quote from the next story…I should have said, “Santa sure isn’t who he appears to be!” Anyhoo, just little boo boo…we’ll carry on! Ahem.
When are we going to wake up from our Holiday slumber and stop this, “Santa Claus” or whatever his real name is, from tramping all over our homes and eating our freshly baked cookies?
If we won’t do it for us, we must stand up for the sake of our children…hungry children who need those cookies far more than Santa does, that’s for sure!
But if Santa’s weight was all we had to worry about, this wouldn’t be the heavy issue that it is. Sadly, I must tell you that the situation is actually far worse than we ever imagined at first! “Making a list and checking it twice?” Have you ever asked yourself what kind of list this is? It’s obviously a hit list! I tell ya! You get on that naughty list and you are going to get a special delivery…know what I mean?
COAL they call it.
But we all know it’s really something a lot more sinister than that.You know what COAL really stands for don’t you? C ombined O xidated A luminum L inolium! If that mighty work of science I just performed for you doesn’t tell you something I don’t know what will.
Friends, the situation is clear! We’ve got to put a stop to Santa Claus and his coal delivering ways before it’s too late!
If I may be personal…Ahem…
Yes…To be Frank for a moment…even though my name is Kelvin… Santa hasn’t delivered me real present since I was five years old…after that unfortunate beard yanking incident mentioned earlier…but honestly, this isn’t about me, it’s about all those billions of people in the world who will open those dusty old sacks of coal this Christmas morning.
Let us unite to remember those less fortunate ones.
Let us for one moment this season, focus our energies on what is important during this festive season.
Let us unite as one people around the world and send all these poor, disappointed, coal receivers positive thoughts during their time of trouble. I’m sure this effort will be a great comfort to them all…and lead to permanent change in their sad situation.
And to our unfortunate global situation as well.
Well, it’s easier than actually helping them anyway.
Until next time, this is Kelvin Bueckert, typing out words on KBAM World Radio…


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