Gladstone Rumor Mill rumored to close after citizens protest nonstop racket! “The only racket we need around here is a tennis racket!” Was the mantra shouted by the angry mob of protesters milling around outside the Gladstone Town Office this morning.
“The Rumor Mill has torn down so much around here, it’s about time it receives the same fate it has given so many others.” Proclaimed Herbert Finkel, president of the Concerned Citizens for Clean Air and Honest Conversation. (CCCAHC). “If you ask me, it is disgraceful to see short people making up tall tales at that disgusting Rumor Mill. Some of these people working there are so small they can’t even see the tops of the stories they make up! They have to get on a chair to climb up that high. How is that safe? I know small minds like to talk big but if you ask me, small people should stick to making small talk, that’s what they are good at. This whole industry is devoted to spreading toxic waste. That’s all there is to it!”
In an attempt to pacify the hostile crowd, the owner of the Rumor Mill, Sir Delbert Dweezil, appeared briefly on the scene. In an obviously well-rehearsed statement, Delbert acknowledged that his industry may have harmed some people over the years but argued that if people wished to indulge in words, they also had the responsibility to speak responsibility. “My friends, a small town like yours needs industry! Think about how boring life would be without us and the noise we provide! Besides, many people have enjoyed the products of our Rumor Mill over the years. Is it fair to rob the masses of joy just because a few people can’t control themselves?” Delbert seemed about to continue on this line of reasoning but was shouted down by the enraged anti-industry mob.
By the sound of it this debate won’t be going away anytime soon. Bus loads of angry citizens on both sides of this issue are arriving in downtown Gladstone even as I type this. Some fanatics have even set fire to the post office, ahem. That’s what my second cousin’s barber told me anyway. We’ll keep you posted as this story develops…in our imaginations.