It was 9:00 p.m. on a rain-drenched Saturday night when Billie, a disheveled looking teenager, slowly pushed open the door and tip-toed inside the house…hoping against hope that he could get to the safety of the bedroom before the parental units noticed that he was on time…again.
These hopes were dashed. (Not comma’d, dashed. Dash it all! Ahem.) Where was I? Oh yes, Billie’s hopes were dashed as the parental units looked up from their smartphones. (That they looked up at all meant that they were mad…very mad.)
Parental Unit 1. Billie, is that you?
Billie. Um. Yeah.
Parental Unit 2. On time again I see.
Billie. It’s not my fault, Froubus said, don’t forget to be responsible and…
Parental Unit 1. And you just went along with the whole being responsible idea…I bet if Froubous said, let’s go help at the orphanage, you’d do that too, wouldn’t you?
Billie. Well, maybe…
Parental Unit 1. I just don’t what it is with you kids these days. Back in my day, we just said we cared, nowadays you think you actually have to show that you do.
Parental Unit 2. What’s in that backpack, Billie?
Billie. Um. Nothin…
Parental Unit 1. Let’s take a look at it. Come on…give it here! Aha! Got it…I may be old, but I’ve still got something.
Parental Unit 2. Your eyes are glowing with intelligence, you’ve been out thinking again, haven’t you?
Billie. I can explain, I…
Parental Unit 1. No need to explain, we know all about what happens at these thinking parties. Plato, Milton, Einstein, Peterson…I don’t know what you see in these books. Back in my day, all we had was TV and we are happy.
Parental Unit 2. Well, not exactly happy, it was a new more progressive kind of happiness. Right, dear?
Parental Unit 1. Yes, some would call it…misery. Anyway, this isn’t about us, this is about Billie. What is this here at the bottom of the backpack? Hmmm. It looks like a VHS video…
Billie. It’s not mine, it’s Seebles!
Parental Unit 2. Oh my DongleBleeb! It’s one of those old Disney movies, isn’t it?
Billie. I don’t know how it got there…I…
Parental Unit 1. Billie, why can’t you be respectable like the Johnson family? You never see them do anything smart….do you?
Parental Unit 2. You get caught with a movie like this, you could spend the rest of your life in prison!
Billie. But we were just tryin ta have a good time…
Parental Unit 1. You call watching movies like this a good time?
Parental Unit 2. What did we ever did we do to get a child like you?
Billie. Well, let me explain some things I’ve been learning.
Parental Unit 1. Watch your language young man!
Parental Unit 2. I don’t know where you heard the L word but it certainly wasn’t in this house. What are we supposed to do with you?
This heartrending scene carried on late into the night, but no matter how the parental units pleaded, Billie refused to give up thinking. Soon, Billie would become another statistic…doomed to a productive, fulfilling life. Don’t let this happen to your children. If you know someone with a thinking problem call the thinking hotline today. 1-888-767-4666. We’ll take good care of them…real good care of them. Trust us!
This has been a public service message from the People’s Republic of Glorious Unpaid Labor. (A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Big Corporation Inc.)
***Disclaimer. The above dialogue is a work of satire and/or imagination and may not be understood as such by some of our more humor deficient citizens. We acknowledge the challenges created when people have too much time on their hands and encourage said citizens to write in and request a free booklet outlining opportunities to serve in their local area. Complaints will also be ignored at kelvinbueckert.com. Thank you for your annoyance.